What’s Your Sexual Fantasy?
A Playbook for Exploring and Communicating Desires with Your Partner
Have you ever wanted to share a secret desire with your partner but stopped short, wondering if it might sound strange or spark judgment? You’re not alone. Fantasies are a natural, exciting part of human sexuality, but talking about them can feel intimidating. Sharing and exploring fantasies can be deeply rewarding, offering opportunities to build trust, strengthen your connection, and enhance your intimate life. Here’s how I approached the topic with my partner, V, and the actionable steps I recommend to anyone curious about delving into these exhilarating (but somewhat intimidating) conversations.
I understand that not everyone is as open as V and I are when it comes to discussing fantasies. Not all relationships start with that level of comfort or curiosity, and that’s okay. But it doesn’t mean you can’t slowly create a safe space for those conversations to happen. Here are some ways to navigate the situation if your partner seems hesitant or closed off.
Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Sharing
When V and I began our relationship six years ago, I was determined to set a tone of openness. After coming from a marriage where communication was stifled, I knew I wanted something different. I had worked with my therapist to develop a vision for my sex life, which I knew was important to achieve the satisfaction and connection I craved.
One evening, early on in my relationship, I asked V, “Have you ever had a fantasy you’ve never shared with anyone?” I said it with curiosity, not pressure, and the openness of my question encouraged him to answer honestly.
Creating a safe space is key to having these conversations. Here’s how you can do it:
Start light: Bring it up in a casual, playful way, like over a glass of wine or during a relaxed evening together.
Go first: If your partner seems hesitant, share one of your own fantasies. It doesn’t have to be your deepest or most personal one—just enough to set the tone.
Use affirming language: Frame the conversation as an opportunity to connect, using phrases like, “I’d love to learn more about what excites you.”
By making the first move and showing vulnerability, you can create a foundation of trust that allows for deeper sharing.
Step 2: Use Tools to Ease the Conversation